My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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