bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
