i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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