I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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