Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
