i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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