Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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