I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
