i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
