What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
