Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
