I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
