you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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