I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
