Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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