2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
