I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
