mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
