let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
