FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
