at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
