I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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