I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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