I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
