Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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