Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
