I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
