I think I won the penis lottery.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Two words: blizzard sex
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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