a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
