I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
