College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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