He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
