The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
