my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
