I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
