You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
