How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
