things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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