I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
