Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
