she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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