so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
