Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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