ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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