I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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