My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
