my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
