rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
