i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
