My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
